Holland - Quips

Jokes

Makes Sense!

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The hand is quicker than the eye; otherwise there would not be so many black eyes.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.