Word Play
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
1) Abdicate (v.), to give up all
hope of ever having a flat stomach.
2) Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
3) Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4) Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
5) Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
6) Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7) Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8) Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9) Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
10) Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
11) Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.
12) Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
13) Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
14) Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
15) Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
16) Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington, D.C. who have been jerked
around by the mayor.
17) Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
18) Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. 19) Frisbatarianism
(n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
gets stuck there.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
A) Sarchasm: The gulf between the
author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
B) Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
C) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted
very high.
D) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of obtaining sex.
E) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
F) Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease.
G) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like a serious bummer.
H) Glibido: All talk and no action.
I)Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
J) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from
the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
K) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an asshole.
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Copyright: Rollie Braam - 2000